Me? A Vent.

I'm not sure what's up here. This is just a conglomeration of ideas and feelings at this point. It was brought on by my good friend talking about how he sometimes feels lonely in this huge campus. Maybe these are just the college blues. Maybe I'm reacting to getting too deep into a relationship with my girlfriend too soon. (Not that I'm in any moral danger) I just don't feel like I'm truly a part of anything. The closest I feel to belonging somewhere is at home, or rather thinking of being at home. My parents and sisters (who will probably read this) have told me in my studies to take advantage of them. We're family, we help each other out, ect. I know that that's true, I just feel like I don't deserve it. That for some reason I'm on probabtion of a kind with the family. That we all get to sit back and see if I make it. I think this is probably just a reaction to being the youngest child out on his own for the first time, but it really does make me feel lonely.

And being around my girlfriend does not help. She has her own family problems, real problems. Mine are just in my head. Hers are actual. And because of them it seems like she has a greater tendancy to cling to me. Doesn't that make me feel great, now I have to be strong for the both of us. Gak. I like her alot, but sometimes it's hard to be with her. I need to learn how to be whole by myself before I learn to be whole with another person. And I'm just not there yet. I wish I was, but I'm not.

Ok, this is more of vent than anything else.
Sufficient to say, I'm mad at myself for being so far from my family that loves me so much. I'm mad that I can't be some magical fix-all for my girlfriend. And I'm mad about a number of other things that I've done wrong achedemically too. And I'm sick. Ya, this is a vent. I think I'll re-title it now. Now thou shalt be : "Me? A Vent." Instead of just "Me?"

I want so badly to do better. This just sucks. But hey, that's life right? You have to do the work before you can have the gains. But then you get the gains! You just have to work first... hope you like your job... I look forward to the gains of being a strong and mature person, in a stong and mature relationship with my family, loved one (whoever it turns out to be), and friends.

I should add that hanging out with a few very speacial guys on my floor at odd hours of the night has been a wonderful thing for me in the last few weeks. Great guys who stay up to insane hours talking about wonderful things. Thinking clearly and being good men of God. A place to gain heartening inspiration. I love you FirstQuad Lounge!

God's child through grace,

-Josh