Today I was plagued with a very bad headache, or rather, and pain that keeps reoccurring in the top of my neck finally overwhelmed me.
But that is not my topic today.
It was because of this headache that I stayed home from just about everything. I didn't go to Church, I didn't take a walk in the park, I didn't go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Reading was even difficult as it puts strain on just the wrong part of my neck. So I ended up looking at old photo albums.
It's amazing what pictures can help you to remember. And it's interesting to see just what it is that moves you about them. For instance, it no longer hurts to look at pictures of me and my old girlfriends. I was no player, but there were a couple of them, and it's always been painful and frustrating to be reminded of those past relationships. But it doesn't anymore. I actually looked back on them and just remembered what very nice people they were. How they helped me through some very strange and awkward stages of my life and mostly didn't take advantage of them. Good people, all of them, and I'm actually grateful for the time we once had and glad that we're all still friends.
I looked back on several births, remembered being completely confused at my niece's birth, and crying silently in the corner of the delivery room for relief and joy and my nephew's. Having your family grow before your eyes is an amazing thing. And God has been so good and kind to us.
I watched as my sister's got married one by one. This was the most surprising of changes and feelings to work through. It hurt! It made me realize just how very alone I feel now, and have felt for several years. Please understand, I love my brothers-in-law. I could not love them more were they actually brothers of blood! But the marriages mark when my sister's lives became fused with someone else. When they left our small family and brought in an new one. So now we are larger, but more distant.
Jessica, I don't think I cried enough at your wedding. For Laurel's I knew a bit of what was coming, but I really hadn't a clue at yours. I miss you Jess. And you Rho.
I watched as my father turned gray. It startled me quite a bit actually. I turned on page and most of Dad's hair turned from almost black with a few streaks of pepper to almost completely white. He looked horrible! Then I realized that this was when he had started chemo for his cancer. A handful of pages later we celebrated him being cancer free, and his hair and face regained life. He never got that near-black hair back, though he did get a darker gray without so much white.
I watched and laughed as I experimented with my hair. I was amazed at the lithe muscle I put on during the freshman year of high school in cross country, and then the sheer bulk that I traded it for in senior year. I wondered where it all went.... I watched myself graduate from public high school, and start my career in college.
It's strange to be able to look back, and see, as though in a mirror, what you looked like. What a strange thing technology is! Every time I saw myself, and looked into the younger version of my own eyes I could see my old soul. I could see the beginnings of the next page's pictures. I could see the memories that had effected my choices of the day, I could see the moments that would change my life. I could see the mistakes I was about to make, the naive ideas I was working off of. And a lot of grace from God. Hindsight is 20-20 they say, well, with mine I see a lot of grace from God. And I'm thankful.
I wonder what I will see in a years time...
