But I do know that this stuff tastes great! Even when I have a cold and am not tasting quite as well as usual.
For now, that is all.
Goodnight everybody!
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Comfort food? I'm not so sure...
But I do know that this stuff tastes great! Even when I have a cold and am not tasting quite as well as usual.
For now, that is all.
Goodnight everybody!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Obey the fist!
Today I took a fairly hard test. It was the culmination of several days worth of studying, and I think I did fairly well. I hope so anyway.
Anywho, as a result of this intensive studying, and it just generally being the time of the semester when a collegiate student is likely to have a fried brain, I do declare it Invader Zim watching season! Yes folks, it is time (when you have time that you don't need to be wasting in some other foolish pursuit, such as education) to revel in the mystery that is Zim, the wonder that is Gir, and the marvelous and murderous, silly and stupid, odd and odder thing that is this show. Be amazed. Be disgusted. Be a potato. Spud.
"Dumb like a moose Dib. Dumb like a MOOSE!!!"
Heaven help us as we try to become educated.
-Josh
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Differential Diagnosis... Or not
"I've been hanging around this town for too long!" -Counting Crows, Hanginaround
So as I was doing dishes tonight, listening to a secular mix on my iPod, wearing my American Eagle jeans, it occured to me that all folks are really trying to escape what is usually called "reality," and put themselves back in that wonderful better thing that is usually called "the ideal." (Some of us crazy Christians would call it trying to get back to a sinless state, or to defeat the whole mess created by original sin.)
I've been reading and re-reading Dante's Comedy, so forgive me for reguretating what has been going through my head, but it's interesting stuff! Really!
The people in the inferno (Hell) are completely involved in their desires. These are the sinners, the theives, murderers, adulterers and traitors. They are punished each according to what they've done. They are, essentially, stuck with what they spent their life chasing after. The folks in purgatory are still in the process of getting to what they desired (and still desire.) The folks in Heaven has it and are content.
But back to the beginning of this bit of nonsense. It occured to me as I was washing the very pretty plates that my family eats off of and listening to some very well crafted music while wearing comfortable and good-looking clothes that Dante's way of explaining punishment and the eternal really makes quite a bit of sense. Even if we only take the Comedy as a commentary on the life of the everyman it works. How many people do you see who get involved in the good of just one thing? One person is obsessed with music, another with gaining money, another with the beauty of their own person or their spouse's. All our culture and economy is based on ecouraging and growing our own personal "ideal." Of comforting ourselves with what most appeals to us. But why do we need this comfort? Why are we so uncomfortable?
Why do we bury ourselves in pop-music and low art? Movies, magazines, store bought clothes and novellas? And TV... don't even get me started. That just gives it all away...
For example: This last week and a half I've been dealing with a minor health problem. A bit distressing in itself, but getting the proper treatment for the condition is almost as annoying as the thing itself. So what have I done to deal with this? Well, I've worked, I've read and I've talked about it with the ones I love. But at the end of the day, I watch House. Yes, to deal with my residual sadness at my present fallen state I numb myself with a sarcastic and medically complex TV show. Sound about right? Sure, it's not that bad in my case. I've talked to people about it, I've worked out the actual problem and taken care of the situation. I'm not ignoring anything, but I still use a TV show to just forget about it for awhile. I take an easy way out of the experience of living in my fallen state, because I just don't want to deal with it. So I don't.
So I did a bit of the secular thing. I dealt with what needed to be dealt with and then I ignored the rest. I'd like to think I did something a bit more emotionally and cognitively healthy than that sounds, but still, it's about right. I escaped the world around me by focusing on something else. Some small good. "But wait! Aren't we as Christians supposed to not have our focus in this world, but on a better one?" you might ask. "So wasn't that a good thing?"
No. The answer is no. We're not supposed to focus on "a good." We're supposed to focus on THE GOOD. As in God. And by focusing on God we're supposed to be able to deal with the present fallen world better than a non-Christian. You can't deal with the world properly if you aren't able to live in the world around you. It's a balancing act. You have to focus on God, and work in the world. Too often you find Christians who only get one part of that. They either only focus on looking for God, or they only focus on living in this cesspool. The same with non-Christians, except instead of looking for God they just look for more of their favourite flavour of good.
So, is this just our reaction to our fallen world? Is this what was meant when we find that we are to be in the world, but not of it? That our escape from the reality (or rather the non-reality) of sin should be the Divine? And only through focusing on God we reach that good that everyone is striving for, and thus understand what is really wrong with the fallen world and so come to a better understanding of how to live in it? Trippy...
So as I was doing dishes tonight, listening to a secular mix on my iPod, wearing my American Eagle jeans, it occured to me that all folks are really trying to escape what is usually called "reality," and put themselves back in that wonderful better thing that is usually called "the ideal." (Some of us crazy Christians would call it trying to get back to a sinless state, or to defeat the whole mess created by original sin.)
I've been reading and re-reading Dante's Comedy, so forgive me for reguretating what has been going through my head, but it's interesting stuff! Really!
The people in the inferno (Hell) are completely involved in their desires. These are the sinners, the theives, murderers, adulterers and traitors. They are punished each according to what they've done. They are, essentially, stuck with what they spent their life chasing after. The folks in purgatory are still in the process of getting to what they desired (and still desire.) The folks in Heaven has it and are content.
But back to the beginning of this bit of nonsense. It occured to me as I was washing the very pretty plates that my family eats off of and listening to some very well crafted music while wearing comfortable and good-looking clothes that Dante's way of explaining punishment and the eternal really makes quite a bit of sense. Even if we only take the Comedy as a commentary on the life of the everyman it works. How many people do you see who get involved in the good of just one thing? One person is obsessed with music, another with gaining money, another with the beauty of their own person or their spouse's. All our culture and economy is based on ecouraging and growing our own personal "ideal." Of comforting ourselves with what most appeals to us. But why do we need this comfort? Why are we so uncomfortable?
Why do we bury ourselves in pop-music and low art? Movies, magazines, store bought clothes and novellas? And TV... don't even get me started. That just gives it all away...
For example: This last week and a half I've been dealing with a minor health problem. A bit distressing in itself, but getting the proper treatment for the condition is almost as annoying as the thing itself. So what have I done to deal with this? Well, I've worked, I've read and I've talked about it with the ones I love. But at the end of the day, I watch House. Yes, to deal with my residual sadness at my present fallen state I numb myself with a sarcastic and medically complex TV show. Sound about right? Sure, it's not that bad in my case. I've talked to people about it, I've worked out the actual problem and taken care of the situation. I'm not ignoring anything, but I still use a TV show to just forget about it for awhile. I take an easy way out of the experience of living in my fallen state, because I just don't want to deal with it. So I don't.
So I did a bit of the secular thing. I dealt with what needed to be dealt with and then I ignored the rest. I'd like to think I did something a bit more emotionally and cognitively healthy than that sounds, but still, it's about right. I escaped the world around me by focusing on something else. Some small good. "But wait! Aren't we as Christians supposed to not have our focus in this world, but on a better one?" you might ask. "So wasn't that a good thing?"
No. The answer is no. We're not supposed to focus on "a good." We're supposed to focus on THE GOOD. As in God. And by focusing on God we're supposed to be able to deal with the present fallen world better than a non-Christian. You can't deal with the world properly if you aren't able to live in the world around you. It's a balancing act. You have to focus on God, and work in the world. Too often you find Christians who only get one part of that. They either only focus on looking for God, or they only focus on living in this cesspool. The same with non-Christians, except instead of looking for God they just look for more of their favourite flavour of good.
So, is this just our reaction to our fallen world? Is this what was meant when we find that we are to be in the world, but not of it? That our escape from the reality (or rather the non-reality) of sin should be the Divine? And only through focusing on God we reach that good that everyone is striving for, and thus understand what is really wrong with the fallen world and so come to a better understanding of how to live in it? Trippy...
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Mad About You
So lately I've been rather tired. And I'm not altogether sure why. I've found this to be a bit disconcerting. Usually when I'm tired I'm plagued with thoughts like "Next time I really need to go home after the third hour of Halo," or "Well, if you wait to the last minute to read a book for class you don't get to sleep... ever," or "That's it! Forget about fitness! I'll just eat asparagus and kumquats for the rest of my life and not worry about how I look, or feel, or smell and die young! But happy!" However this time I'm just left thinking "I'm tired. This sucks. Huh."
However, today I think I may have had an epiphany: I've been around a great many people for the last two weeks. A great many. I can't remember the last time I had a few hours to myself to just be quiet. I've been too busy helping folks and reading and moving things and working and being with my friends that I haven't seen and my girlfriend whom I'm so enamored with to take any time just for me to stop. These are all good things (some exceedingly more enjoyable than others, but all good) however if I don't stop in between to simply be silent, rest and be then I'm just going to fall to pieces. Interesting little pieces that somehow just don't fit right when you try and put them back together because they're missing something: sanity.
So in the light of this enlightenment I've taken the rest of today to be mostly alone. I've mown and trimmed the lawn. I've trimmed the trees. I've washed the dogs and myself(not at the same time or with the same soap.) I've used food to convince the dogs that I'm not evil for giving them baths. I've exercised and eaten dinner, read a bit and watched an hour of my favourite sitcom that is no longer running, (hence the title of this blog) and now I think I'm going to do a bit of laundering and then go to bed. But all of this I have done mostly in silence. What I really want to do is drive up to the mountains or to Morro Bay and sit and watch the sun set, then watch the stars come out and take a walk by the light of them in some bit of wilderness by myself, but I think I'll be able to make do with just maintaining silence. We'll see if it helps. Good night everybody!
-Josh
However, today I think I may have had an epiphany: I've been around a great many people for the last two weeks. A great many. I can't remember the last time I had a few hours to myself to just be quiet. I've been too busy helping folks and reading and moving things and working and being with my friends that I haven't seen and my girlfriend whom I'm so enamored with to take any time just for me to stop. These are all good things (some exceedingly more enjoyable than others, but all good) however if I don't stop in between to simply be silent, rest and be then I'm just going to fall to pieces. Interesting little pieces that somehow just don't fit right when you try and put them back together because they're missing something: sanity.
So in the light of this enlightenment I've taken the rest of today to be mostly alone. I've mown and trimmed the lawn. I've trimmed the trees. I've washed the dogs and myself(not at the same time or with the same soap.) I've used food to convince the dogs that I'm not evil for giving them baths. I've exercised and eaten dinner, read a bit and watched an hour of my favourite sitcom that is no longer running, (hence the title of this blog) and now I think I'm going to do a bit of laundering and then go to bed. But all of this I have done mostly in silence. What I really want to do is drive up to the mountains or to Morro Bay and sit and watch the sun set, then watch the stars come out and take a walk by the light of them in some bit of wilderness by myself, but I think I'll be able to make do with just maintaining silence. We'll see if it helps. Good night everybody!
-Josh
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Behold the View!
I have been on a wonderful vacation! I now have piles of things to catch up on, but there is no beating the wonderful time that I just had!
I love camping, and camping with wonderful people is even better than camping by oneself. I imagine that it certainly beats camping with people that one does not like!
I went with the family of my dear girlfriend to Shaver Lake and a splendid time was had! Except for contracting a bit of a stomach bug it was a whole and enjoyable experience. There were fire and games, sun and swimming, fishing and boats, hikes and plenty of time to read good books! The food seemed to be of the best sort, but since I was not well and did not eat nearly as much as I normally do I'm afraid I cannot comment on it correctly. It looked wonderful.
I could very easily go into a long description of far too many things that happened; but since most of you weren't there you probably wouldn't want to hear all about the times that were had, and are probably content with the brief descriptions that I gave above. So to keep things short I shall simply say this: it was wonderful.
Coming back into the city hurt. As the trees disappeared and the buildings got more and more uniform my heart sank. My only consolations are that I may still keep the company from time to time of the wonderful people I was with, and that I will someday return to the mountains. The worst part of vacation is the bit where it stops.
But here are pictures. Enjoy.
Post Photo Script: I can't believe that I failed to mention what a heart-rendingly beautiful, witty, caring and wonderfully intelligent and godly person my girlfriend is. It borders on great calamity that I should get to spend so much time with and around her, and then be forced back into the drudgery that is this distance, even if it is a mere matter of miles.
*here I heave a sigh and then slowly smile*
But it was wonderful.
-Josh
Friday, July 14, 2006
When one ought to be asleep... but isn't...
It has been awhile since my last post. This is not because of any particular event, but rather more the lack of one. (My life is not boring, rather, far from it! It is just fairly slow at the moment.)
The summer seems to be slipping by with that slow, billowing heat that blind you to the passage of time. I feel rather confuddled by it.
And frankly, I'm tired. I can't seem to go to bed until I'm tired. Actually worn out. And as I'm not doing much of anything consistently (oh, the joy that is summer!) this means that bedtime is naught.
But tonight I will sleep before the clock strikes twelve. I swam for the better part of three hours today. I am burnt to a cinder. A very red, throbbing cinder. And very tired.
My great achievement for the day was finding out that I can do flips off a diving board into a pool. Unfortunately the only way to perfect this is by doing it a lot. After I mastered the single flip, I decided that I wanted to go one better and do a double.
Using that same "keep on keeping on" strategy I discovered that I am only capable of doing one and a half flips. And that should one manage to enter the water while spinning at a great rate it tends to cause pain at the point of contact. One and a half revolutions being what they are, I now have a head-ache. And will, for the foreseeable future.
But it was still fun.
I really miss swimming.
G'night all.
-Joshua
The summer seems to be slipping by with that slow, billowing heat that blind you to the passage of time. I feel rather confuddled by it.
And frankly, I'm tired. I can't seem to go to bed until I'm tired. Actually worn out. And as I'm not doing much of anything consistently (oh, the joy that is summer!) this means that bedtime is naught.
But tonight I will sleep before the clock strikes twelve. I swam for the better part of three hours today. I am burnt to a cinder. A very red, throbbing cinder. And very tired.
My great achievement for the day was finding out that I can do flips off a diving board into a pool. Unfortunately the only way to perfect this is by doing it a lot. After I mastered the single flip, I decided that I wanted to go one better and do a double.
Using that same "keep on keeping on" strategy I discovered that I am only capable of doing one and a half flips. And that should one manage to enter the water while spinning at a great rate it tends to cause pain at the point of contact. One and a half revolutions being what they are, I now have a head-ache. And will, for the foreseeable future.
But it was still fun.
I really miss swimming.
G'night all.
-Joshua
Saturday, June 24, 2006
YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY!
I am happy!
And content!
And happy!
And content!
And happy!
And content!
Et cetera! Et cetera!
God is good!
And content!
And happy!
And content!
And happy!
And content!
Et cetera! Et cetera!
God is good!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
A Marvelous Thing
I found out an amazing and marvelous thing yesterday.
I was driving back home after escorting a lovely young lady back to her home, when I had a sudden hankering for really good rootbeer. As I was near a BevMo, I decided to indulge myself.
I grabbed a Boylan's, a Siox City Sasparilla, and as a passing thought, a small keg of Virgil's Rootbeer for my dear Phil.
As the lady at the checkout rang me up, she mentioned that BevMo sells actual kegs (full size mind!) of root beer. She couldn't remember just what sort, but seemed fairly sure it was Henry Wineheart.
Full sized kegs of rootbeer! Next semester at Biola here I come! What do y'all think? One on PUQ, and one in the commuter lounge? I think that ought to do fairly well. Maybe one in a Torrey session too...
I was driving back home after escorting a lovely young lady back to her home, when I had a sudden hankering for really good rootbeer. As I was near a BevMo, I decided to indulge myself.
I grabbed a Boylan's, a Siox City Sasparilla, and as a passing thought, a small keg of Virgil's Rootbeer for my dear Phil.
As the lady at the checkout rang me up, she mentioned that BevMo sells actual kegs (full size mind!) of root beer. She couldn't remember just what sort, but seemed fairly sure it was Henry Wineheart.
Full sized kegs of rootbeer! Next semester at Biola here I come! What do y'all think? One on PUQ, and one in the commuter lounge? I think that ought to do fairly well. Maybe one in a Torrey session too...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Beauty? Pain? Growth? All of the above I believe...
This is, in fact, a summary of my most prominent thoughts and feelings at the moment. So be warned, there's a bit of emotional spillage on the verbos road ahead.
My heart hurts. In many different ways. Here's why:
People that I can for very deeply are away and traveling in far off lands that I have only ever (though very often) dreamed of visiting. Amongst whom is one person who is very dear to my heart. Ah, Lord only knows what is really happening anywhere in anything, so all I can do is trust Him. Takes some effort at times though.
In addition to this, I have been visiting my old teachers at what was once my highschool and helping them and talking with them. What I've found is this: that the best people in public education are often ignored, or used without being consulted. The Lewis's Proffessor in is right in exclaming "What are they teaching them in school these days?" The students don't seem to be learning a blooming thing! And most of the teachers have more of a fear of the standardized tests than they hold for the well being of their students! It's a perposterous situation! Tomorrow I'm returning to class to have a "Socratic" discussion with an eleventh grade lit. class. I have enormous fears.
Also, there's work. I may be too smart for the common market. I'm seeing holes in this well oiled machine that I'm playing the cog for, and I'm afraid that "the man" is about to get his ear talked off. Pray for him. And me.
Add to that that I'm reading Vanauken. And understanding more of it then I thought possible. Seeing ideas of my heart written in someone else's hand, and then lived out! It's an amazing experience. School is out, but I refuse to stop learning.
Also, I'm beginning to see new meaning in the whole "when two or more are gathered in my name..." bit. I used to think it just meant some additional blessing on the prayers of a congregation. Now I'm seeing it more in the light of everyday life. At work, surrounded by non-Christians I'm smart, quick and fairly well educated. But when I'm with fellow Christians there's more. We come up with some of the most wonderful ideas. Thoughts that I'd never come up with on my own or with pagans just bloom about us. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I love seeing God in other people's lives as well. Grand. Just grand.
Finally, I love my family. I love my sisters and brothers. My niece and my nephew. And my parents. Mom and Dad are such good parents. I'm working my rear off, just like they taught me to, and they care and help me in ways I just never would have thought of. They let me be with my friends to relax, and yet there is allways a place for me at the dinner table. When I need an adult to listen to me, or talk to me or with me they are there. So helpful, so loving, so kind and caring. They see what I need before I know there's a need, then tell me about it and suggest methods on how to fix it. They support me, but let me do what I need to on my own. Godly people, promoting growth and trimming the deadwood all in one motion. I love my family.
Good night all.
-Joshua
My heart hurts. In many different ways. Here's why:
People that I can for very deeply are away and traveling in far off lands that I have only ever (though very often) dreamed of visiting. Amongst whom is one person who is very dear to my heart. Ah, Lord only knows what is really happening anywhere in anything, so all I can do is trust Him. Takes some effort at times though.
In addition to this, I have been visiting my old teachers at what was once my highschool and helping them and talking with them. What I've found is this: that the best people in public education are often ignored, or used without being consulted. The Lewis's Proffessor in is right in exclaming "What are they teaching them in school these days?" The students don't seem to be learning a blooming thing! And most of the teachers have more of a fear of the standardized tests than they hold for the well being of their students! It's a perposterous situation! Tomorrow I'm returning to class to have a "Socratic" discussion with an eleventh grade lit. class. I have enormous fears.
Also, there's work. I may be too smart for the common market. I'm seeing holes in this well oiled machine that I'm playing the cog for, and I'm afraid that "the man" is about to get his ear talked off. Pray for him. And me.
Add to that that I'm reading Vanauken. And understanding more of it then I thought possible. Seeing ideas of my heart written in someone else's hand, and then lived out! It's an amazing experience. School is out, but I refuse to stop learning.
Also, I'm beginning to see new meaning in the whole "when two or more are gathered in my name..." bit. I used to think it just meant some additional blessing on the prayers of a congregation. Now I'm seeing it more in the light of everyday life. At work, surrounded by non-Christians I'm smart, quick and fairly well educated. But when I'm with fellow Christians there's more. We come up with some of the most wonderful ideas. Thoughts that I'd never come up with on my own or with pagans just bloom about us. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I love seeing God in other people's lives as well. Grand. Just grand.
Finally, I love my family. I love my sisters and brothers. My niece and my nephew. And my parents. Mom and Dad are such good parents. I'm working my rear off, just like they taught me to, and they care and help me in ways I just never would have thought of. They let me be with my friends to relax, and yet there is allways a place for me at the dinner table. When I need an adult to listen to me, or talk to me or with me they are there. So helpful, so loving, so kind and caring. They see what I need before I know there's a need, then tell me about it and suggest methods on how to fix it. They support me, but let me do what I need to on my own. Godly people, promoting growth and trimming the deadwood all in one motion. I love my family.
Good night all.
-Joshua
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Purgatory
According to Vanauken, Beauty hurts. I would have to agree that that wonderful feeling that scatters across my being when I see the glorious creation of my Lord is pain in it's most exquisite form.
But why does Beauty hurt?
I bought two books today, well, now yesterday. One is A Severe Mercy, the other is The Problem of Pain. I've read the latter. It took me the better part of a year, but I've read it. Now, halfway through the prior, I was firmly stuck in the midst of that question: why does the experience of Beauty hurt?
As I was sitting in my car, not five minutes ago, it occurred to me. Lewis talks about pain being one of the ways we know we exist. Beauty, (as a form, mind) is purely Good. As we, broken and sinful (therefore flawed, twisted, and not altogether whole) beings experience a reflection of something that is "sinless," we gain something of our being back from that experience. And the feeling, the experience of it, the pain, returns.
When your leg falls asleep it tingles and "hurts" while the circulation is restored. Duh.
I believe in Purgatory.
But why does Beauty hurt?
I bought two books today, well, now yesterday. One is A Severe Mercy, the other is The Problem of Pain. I've read the latter. It took me the better part of a year, but I've read it. Now, halfway through the prior, I was firmly stuck in the midst of that question: why does the experience of Beauty hurt?
As I was sitting in my car, not five minutes ago, it occurred to me. Lewis talks about pain being one of the ways we know we exist. Beauty, (as a form, mind) is purely Good. As we, broken and sinful (therefore flawed, twisted, and not altogether whole) beings experience a reflection of something that is "sinless," we gain something of our being back from that experience. And the feeling, the experience of it, the pain, returns.
When your leg falls asleep it tingles and "hurts" while the circulation is restored. Duh.
I believe in Purgatory.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sing Hey!
Sing hey!
For the mug of tea at the close of May!
A loon is he that will not sing,
O water hot is a noble thing!
It is finished! It is done!
School has fled, now it's time for fun!
But first, to relax and enjoy the view!
To sit down with friends and drink a few!
For work makes thirst, and thirst makes dry,
but first make the deadline or your hide will fry.
But then to drink, and drink is good!
But burn you will, if gulp you should...
So sip you tea 'neath a cool shadey tree,
and while you sip, please, think of me!
I return to work, but pleased I be,
for on my return, I'll join you in tea.
Or Italian cream sodas... Mmmmmm...
For the mug of tea at the close of May!
A loon is he that will not sing,
O water hot is a noble thing!
It is finished! It is done!
School has fled, now it's time for fun!
But first, to relax and enjoy the view!
To sit down with friends and drink a few!
For work makes thirst, and thirst makes dry,
but first make the deadline or your hide will fry.
But then to drink, and drink is good!
But burn you will, if gulp you should...
So sip you tea 'neath a cool shadey tree,
and while you sip, please, think of me!
I return to work, but pleased I be,
for on my return, I'll join you in tea.
Or Italian cream sodas... Mmmmmm...
Thursday, May 11, 2006
"The Road goes ever on and on..."
"I am finally being swept off my feet."
I thought I'd take a walk this afternoon. Turns out the walk took me.
*****
The crags and summits of natural existence our city parks are.
All the green and growth that our expansion has left us, nurtured by trickling sludge and stagnant puddles of muddied filth.
Just think of what might happen if snowmelt came rushing blue and white through the gullies!
Overflowing the cement troughs constructed to hold them back?
If new springs of fresh water joyously bubbled up clear and delicious in the murky ponds?
What would we do with living water?
Why don't we?
*****
"And whither then? I cannot tell."
I thought I'd take a walk this afternoon. Turns out the walk took me.
*****
The crags and summits of natural existence our city parks are.
All the green and growth that our expansion has left us, nurtured by trickling sludge and stagnant puddles of muddied filth.
Just think of what might happen if snowmelt came rushing blue and white through the gullies!
Overflowing the cement troughs constructed to hold them back?
If new springs of fresh water joyously bubbled up clear and delicious in the murky ponds?
What would we do with living water?
Why don't we?
*****
"And whither then? I cannot tell."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Resting in Grace
A statement here
(a question meant)
and an answer set at ease.
As parents laugh
(and I escape,)
with my Savior's soul well pleased.
Goodnight.
(a question meant)
and an answer set at ease.
As parents laugh
(and I escape,)
with my Savior's soul well pleased.
Goodnight.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Gardening Stains are Red
I am a nerd.
At the college that I go to, I am in the honors program. And no, they didn't make a mistake in letting me in. I belong there. I may not be as smart, or as studious or ingenuous as everyone else there, but I don't need to be in order to belong.
Within this nerdy bunch, I am in the Tolkien reading group. And I love it.
Yesterday, the freshman class of the honors program had a group building day. Tolkien is a solid group. We really don't have many problems with each other. Most of us were skeptical that we would get anything out of this day, but we came anyway because we like each other so much, and if you give us a time to hang out with each other we'll take it no matter what.
Most of the day was pointless. There were games, and they were fun. There was criticism, that wasn't. But then we were put in a room together and left alone after being told we could leave any time we wanted to. We stayed in that room for the better part of six hours.
I was confronted with many things in this time. All that we did in that room was constructive. No one got angry, in fact we spent most of the time telling each other what we really admired about each other, and lifting each other up in prayer and celebrating the unique group we have. But within this setting something inside of me came loose.
I imagine it's was a lot like having one of those places you can't scratch scratched by someone. It hurts, but it's good.
I finally reached a point where I was being real with God, and myself, at the same time. Pure truth. No pretense. Praise and mourning, crying and laughing, feeling and thinking at the same time. God unblocked something in my soul tonight. I sobbed. It took me a few bloody knuckles on a tree to get that started, but afterwards it was smooth sailing. I think that I've come to the realization that crying is a good thing. I used to despise it in myself, and refused to cry if I could ever help it, which I could. But if there's ever a time when crying is alright then it's in front of your Creator, Lord, Master and Redeemer. He did, before it all, do the same for me...
And if you're wondering about the title of this blog, it's named after an experience that my Grandfather had. My Grandmother has been visiting this week, and so my mind has been drifting to the stories and memories of my grandfather. Suddenly his conversion story has a lot more impact upon me. Bleeding so hard that his hands were cleaned...
At the college that I go to, I am in the honors program. And no, they didn't make a mistake in letting me in. I belong there. I may not be as smart, or as studious or ingenuous as everyone else there, but I don't need to be in order to belong.
Within this nerdy bunch, I am in the Tolkien reading group. And I love it.
Yesterday, the freshman class of the honors program had a group building day. Tolkien is a solid group. We really don't have many problems with each other. Most of us were skeptical that we would get anything out of this day, but we came anyway because we like each other so much, and if you give us a time to hang out with each other we'll take it no matter what.
Most of the day was pointless. There were games, and they were fun. There was criticism, that wasn't. But then we were put in a room together and left alone after being told we could leave any time we wanted to. We stayed in that room for the better part of six hours.
I was confronted with many things in this time. All that we did in that room was constructive. No one got angry, in fact we spent most of the time telling each other what we really admired about each other, and lifting each other up in prayer and celebrating the unique group we have. But within this setting something inside of me came loose.
I imagine it's was a lot like having one of those places you can't scratch scratched by someone. It hurts, but it's good.
I finally reached a point where I was being real with God, and myself, at the same time. Pure truth. No pretense. Praise and mourning, crying and laughing, feeling and thinking at the same time. God unblocked something in my soul tonight. I sobbed. It took me a few bloody knuckles on a tree to get that started, but afterwards it was smooth sailing. I think that I've come to the realization that crying is a good thing. I used to despise it in myself, and refused to cry if I could ever help it, which I could. But if there's ever a time when crying is alright then it's in front of your Creator, Lord, Master and Redeemer. He did, before it all, do the same for me...
And if you're wondering about the title of this blog, it's named after an experience that my Grandfather had. My Grandmother has been visiting this week, and so my mind has been drifting to the stories and memories of my grandfather. Suddenly his conversion story has a lot more impact upon me. Bleeding so hard that his hands were cleaned...
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Spring and Questing Collegiates
A weekend gone and mid-week spent.
An honorary Spring-Break session
consumed by three, and additionally me,
in a happy introvert depression.
To think, and laugh, and think again,
to frolic joyously,
to dream awake, and wake to rest
and escape most marvelously
the joy of work, and thence to shirk
the drudge of city strife.
To rest in the fields of Him who wields
the true powers of this life.
And then to meet (a happy feat)
in the house of a fabulous friend,
and eat good food, and drink to the mood
as an eighteenth year does end.
And then? A commonwealth of blessed Health!
A gift from God above!
Meander here, peruse some there,
and marvel in His love!
Then sit ye down, and ponderously frown
in a mug of evening tea,
and then "goodbye!" and politely fly
from a place you'd rather not flee.
Then hold your course! With 200 horse,
consume that length of miles!
Keep up you head! This is not bed,
you all asleep and smiles!
But when at home, you mind may roam,
dream then of all the beauty.
In fact, demand that all mind stand
and take to this fine duty:
to remember the blest, and take the rest
our Lord gives to His fine people,
and pray, dear sir, He will confer
"worth far above jewels" 'neath steeple.
Monday, April 10, 2006
"To the woman in my life..."
My mother is tired of my last post. She says she doesn't like poems she doesn't understand. I'm not sure I can classify my last post as a poem, and I don't even understand it, so I'm not sure what's up with all that... but I love my mother. So this is for you Mom!
PS. these are some random pictures from my photo album, just to make this random post a little more interesting. Sorry to all those out there who expect more profound things... it's just time for a little relaxing, you know?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Thoughts Provoked
I see the world around me, and see you.
I look at the life I create for myself, and do not see.
I turn to the light, and am blinded by it.
I turn to the darkness, and see depravity.
Evil is not, and naught is evil.
Holes in the ground are not ground.
Light can be bent, reflected and captured.
Good just is, and shall continue.
From whither comes the passion of and for salvation?
From whence the saving grace of true will and willfulness?
Why don't all seek?
Won't all find?
I look at the life I create for myself, and do not see.
I turn to the light, and am blinded by it.
I turn to the darkness, and see depravity.
Evil is not, and naught is evil.
Holes in the ground are not ground.
Light can be bent, reflected and captured.
Good just is, and shall continue.
From whither comes the passion of and for salvation?
From whence the saving grace of true will and willfulness?
Why don't all seek?
Won't all find?
Friday, March 31, 2006
A Beautiful Morning Part III
After Nate had taken Sam out and played with him a bit, leaving Anne mercilessly to the questions of his parents, he returned to find that Jean had come to her rescue and they were now laughing together in the aisle. As he approached he got the feeling from the look on his sister's face that he was the subject being discussed.
"Well ladies, nice to see you getting along. Care to share in the joy?"
"Well, I'm sure that we're happy to share some joy with you, but I'm afraid the conversation is just between us ladies. Sorry Nate."
"Eh, such is life I guess. Can't say that I honestly thought you'd tell me Jean. Though I would like to know if you ever feel like telling me..."
"Right, right. Hope springs eternal..."
"And "hope is the certainty of bliss to come!"
"Speaking of hope, would you two like to come with Josh and I to the Arboretum for a picnic lunch?"
There was an overwhelmingly positive answer from both of them at this, so the plan was set.
*************************************
The arboretum was marvelous.
As Nate and Anne arrived they could see Samuel already busy running around the park entrance, pointing out flowers and birds, tugging at the hands of his parents as the delights of his Creator enthralled his mind.
As Nate helped Anne out of the car, he felt that tug on his soul to be nervous once more, and worry about what would happen. But instead of giving himself over to this depressing hopelessness he repeated an idea to himself that had been born out of many conversations with his father and brother-in-law.
"I am a child of God," he thought to himself. "An actor in His play. A bit of a comedy so far, but destined to be an amazingly inspiring drama. Still, just an actor. The plot is up to Him, I only ad-lib a few lines, and those only when He gives permission."
As they walked together up to the entrance to the arboretum to meet up with the young family, Nate turned to Anne and said "I just want to thank you for coming today Anne. I'm really glad that you're here, and that you're up for a picnic with my family."
"It's my pleasure Nate, really. Being at school has been good, and good for me, but I've really missed my family. Visiting with yours has been wonderfully refreshing. You really have a wonderful family, filled with good people."
As Nate was trying to ad-lib for Christ, Samuel ran up and pointed out to his uncle and new friend that there was a "coney" spying on them from beneath a bush! Nate, who knew that Josh's love of English Literature often came out in his daily speech, laughed aloud at his nephew's British vocabulary, while Anne was simply amused and politely surprised at it.
A comical chase soon entailed; the fearless and vertically challenged hunter hopelessly outrun by his intended game as his adoring entourage followed at a safe distance. The chase did serve to user them deep into the center of the arboretum, like a good curator, who draws guests into a museum and surrounds them with priceless works of art.
The arboretum was miraculously beautiful that afternoon. Spring was just in the midst of fulfilling the promise of the early green buds of late winter. Even the barest of branches nourished a few new leaves. Those plants that had started early were in full bloom, and the ducks swam happily in the ponds only to be disturbed by the occational "plopplop" of a turtle falling into the cool water. The warm sunlight and the fresh breeze seemed to have teamed up to lazily chase the cool shadows of the leaves back and forth across the clean clipped grass.
In this place of gentle beauty the five of them passed the hour with food, friendship and felicity. Soon Sam had worn himself out with play, and his parents were of a mind to get him home before he fell asleep. So with fond farewells they left Nate and Anne in this veritable garden in high spirits.
What could have been an awkward situation was by-passed by equal agreeance that such a fine afternoon should not be wasted indoors. So the two of them stayed and talked to their hearts content as the ducks chased themselves across the water.
Finally, as the sun reddened the clouds and cast amber rays through the branches overhead, Nate gave Anne his hand and helped the lady up. As they walked back through the arbors the scent of lemon blossoms played in the evening breeze.
Nate had never been in a more romantic situation in his life. All sorts of lovely feelings were sweeping out of his chest and up, trying to escape from his mouth. But he had never felt more at peace either.
As he thought more about the place in which he found himself, he realized that it was this that was evoking much of these powerful feelings in him. For a moment he considered letting them overwhelm him. He felt as though he could sing an impromptu ballad for the immensely intelligent, enjoyable and beautiful lady he found in Anne.
He could almost let himself go, and if he did, Heaven help this lady.
He was, after all, his father's son, a student of his mother's eloquence, and the loving brother of his first best-friend and older sister.
Self-doubt is for the weak, pride doubly so. Humility and full recognition and knowledge of one's gifts from God, complete with their inherent dangers, is wisdom. And Nate was nothing if not the heir of a God fearing man.
But the truth of the moment held him back from the swirl of his emotions. It was, in fact, due to Anne herself that he held the power of his feelings in check. Her countenance and internal poise that he had experienced throughout the afternoon had impressed upon him just how truly beautiful she was; a devote, young lady of high intelligence living a chaste life in the pursual of God.
So as Nate drove Anne back to her dorm, he held his tongue. Merely agreeing with Anne as she spoke of what a lovely time she had had.
He politely bade her "Good night," and saw her to the door with all the decency and friendliness he usually did, but kept his thoughts of the day to himself. Soon he was back in his car, driving back home.
As his emotional flood subsided, he was struck by the fact that even though he felt like this about her, she was not really the girl of his dreams. For all the wonders that God had created in her, he knew she was not the one he'd been praying for since his childhood.
And yet, for a moment, she had been. For a moment she was his first date, she was his last, and all the dates inbetween. She was his sister in Christ, his friend, and wife to be.
"Good Lord, she's a symbol!"
When he opened the door to the apartment he shared with three other guys from the college, one of his roommates hollered "So, what did you do today?"
Nate smiled slowly and shook his head.
"I took a walk with a woman."
"Well ladies, nice to see you getting along. Care to share in the joy?"
"Well, I'm sure that we're happy to share some joy with you, but I'm afraid the conversation is just between us ladies. Sorry Nate."
"Eh, such is life I guess. Can't say that I honestly thought you'd tell me Jean. Though I would like to know if you ever feel like telling me..."
"Right, right. Hope springs eternal..."
"And "hope is the certainty of bliss to come!"
"Speaking of hope, would you two like to come with Josh and I to the Arboretum for a picnic lunch?"
There was an overwhelmingly positive answer from both of them at this, so the plan was set.
*************************************
The arboretum was marvelous.
As Nate and Anne arrived they could see Samuel already busy running around the park entrance, pointing out flowers and birds, tugging at the hands of his parents as the delights of his Creator enthralled his mind.
As Nate helped Anne out of the car, he felt that tug on his soul to be nervous once more, and worry about what would happen. But instead of giving himself over to this depressing hopelessness he repeated an idea to himself that had been born out of many conversations with his father and brother-in-law.
"I am a child of God," he thought to himself. "An actor in His play. A bit of a comedy so far, but destined to be an amazingly inspiring drama. Still, just an actor. The plot is up to Him, I only ad-lib a few lines, and those only when He gives permission."
As they walked together up to the entrance to the arboretum to meet up with the young family, Nate turned to Anne and said "I just want to thank you for coming today Anne. I'm really glad that you're here, and that you're up for a picnic with my family."
"It's my pleasure Nate, really. Being at school has been good, and good for me, but I've really missed my family. Visiting with yours has been wonderfully refreshing. You really have a wonderful family, filled with good people."
As Nate was trying to ad-lib for Christ, Samuel ran up and pointed out to his uncle and new friend that there was a "coney" spying on them from beneath a bush! Nate, who knew that Josh's love of English Literature often came out in his daily speech, laughed aloud at his nephew's British vocabulary, while Anne was simply amused and politely surprised at it.
A comical chase soon entailed; the fearless and vertically challenged hunter hopelessly outrun by his intended game as his adoring entourage followed at a safe distance. The chase did serve to user them deep into the center of the arboretum, like a good curator, who draws guests into a museum and surrounds them with priceless works of art.
The arboretum was miraculously beautiful that afternoon. Spring was just in the midst of fulfilling the promise of the early green buds of late winter. Even the barest of branches nourished a few new leaves. Those plants that had started early were in full bloom, and the ducks swam happily in the ponds only to be disturbed by the occational "plopplop" of a turtle falling into the cool water. The warm sunlight and the fresh breeze seemed to have teamed up to lazily chase the cool shadows of the leaves back and forth across the clean clipped grass.
In this place of gentle beauty the five of them passed the hour with food, friendship and felicity. Soon Sam had worn himself out with play, and his parents were of a mind to get him home before he fell asleep. So with fond farewells they left Nate and Anne in this veritable garden in high spirits.
What could have been an awkward situation was by-passed by equal agreeance that such a fine afternoon should not be wasted indoors. So the two of them stayed and talked to their hearts content as the ducks chased themselves across the water.
Finally, as the sun reddened the clouds and cast amber rays through the branches overhead, Nate gave Anne his hand and helped the lady up. As they walked back through the arbors the scent of lemon blossoms played in the evening breeze.
Nate had never been in a more romantic situation in his life. All sorts of lovely feelings were sweeping out of his chest and up, trying to escape from his mouth. But he had never felt more at peace either.
As he thought more about the place in which he found himself, he realized that it was this that was evoking much of these powerful feelings in him. For a moment he considered letting them overwhelm him. He felt as though he could sing an impromptu ballad for the immensely intelligent, enjoyable and beautiful lady he found in Anne.
He could almost let himself go, and if he did, Heaven help this lady.
He was, after all, his father's son, a student of his mother's eloquence, and the loving brother of his first best-friend and older sister.
Self-doubt is for the weak, pride doubly so. Humility and full recognition and knowledge of one's gifts from God, complete with their inherent dangers, is wisdom. And Nate was nothing if not the heir of a God fearing man.
But the truth of the moment held him back from the swirl of his emotions. It was, in fact, due to Anne herself that he held the power of his feelings in check. Her countenance and internal poise that he had experienced throughout the afternoon had impressed upon him just how truly beautiful she was; a devote, young lady of high intelligence living a chaste life in the pursual of God.
So as Nate drove Anne back to her dorm, he held his tongue. Merely agreeing with Anne as she spoke of what a lovely time she had had.
He politely bade her "Good night," and saw her to the door with all the decency and friendliness he usually did, but kept his thoughts of the day to himself. Soon he was back in his car, driving back home.
As his emotional flood subsided, he was struck by the fact that even though he felt like this about her, she was not really the girl of his dreams. For all the wonders that God had created in her, he knew she was not the one he'd been praying for since his childhood.
And yet, for a moment, she had been. For a moment she was his first date, she was his last, and all the dates inbetween. She was his sister in Christ, his friend, and wife to be.
"Good Lord, she's a symbol!"
When he opened the door to the apartment he shared with three other guys from the college, one of his roommates hollered "So, what did you do today?"
Nate smiled slowly and shook his head.
"I took a walk with a woman."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Requests granted, unexpectedly...
Alright, this is a little out of character for this blog, but I figure that the character of this blog can be whatever I want it to be, and tonight I deem it should be a little different.
Some background: I'm tired. I've been feeling rather exhausted lately, and I'm not altogether sure why.
Also, I've been trying anew, and succeeding anew, with some of the harder aspects of my walk with and toward God.
That said, tonight I was on my way to visit a friend from Berkeley who is down for springbreak at a local Starbucks. While driving I was talking to God, and I, in my exhausted state, just broke out and told Him just exactly what I felt about my life at the moment.
Much was said between us, but my bit ended with "I've been doing what you've asked me! I would like a bit of a reward! Some peace of mind, some sign that you like what I've been doing! I want to feel better about myself. Lord, I'd like for some girl to flirt with me tonight. Just some cute girl to smile at me without my initiating it. That's it."
And that was it. The end of the conversation. He said nothing in return, so I just drove and felt silly for asking for such a ridiculous and immature thing.
I arrived at Starbucks to find that all of my friends from highschool who had left for college were back in town, and waiting for me! It was great, we all caught up and exchanged stories and news, and talked of roadtrips and visiting while sipping hot drinks.
On my way back home I was stopped at a red light when some of the ladies from this group of friends pulled up next to me and signaled for me to roll down my window. So I did.
"Hey! You're hot!" they called.
I was flabbergasted.
The light turned green, we all laughed and I turned left while they went straight.
As I was pulling into my drive I was thinking about just how the night had ended up. I hadn't thought of my request after I saw that my friends were back. And then God pulled that right out of His hat.
I ask for one cute girl to smile at me, and He has three.
I feel so silly for relating this story, for asking for such a childish thing. Not impure, but not very adult. Yet He still delivered, and in the best of all possible ways;with people who, while attractive, are no temptation to me to become distracted from Him. God is good.
That's all I have to say. God is good.
Some background: I'm tired. I've been feeling rather exhausted lately, and I'm not altogether sure why.
Also, I've been trying anew, and succeeding anew, with some of the harder aspects of my walk with and toward God.
That said, tonight I was on my way to visit a friend from Berkeley who is down for springbreak at a local Starbucks. While driving I was talking to God, and I, in my exhausted state, just broke out and told Him just exactly what I felt about my life at the moment.
Much was said between us, but my bit ended with "I've been doing what you've asked me! I would like a bit of a reward! Some peace of mind, some sign that you like what I've been doing! I want to feel better about myself. Lord, I'd like for some girl to flirt with me tonight. Just some cute girl to smile at me without my initiating it. That's it."
And that was it. The end of the conversation. He said nothing in return, so I just drove and felt silly for asking for such a ridiculous and immature thing.
I arrived at Starbucks to find that all of my friends from highschool who had left for college were back in town, and waiting for me! It was great, we all caught up and exchanged stories and news, and talked of roadtrips and visiting while sipping hot drinks.
On my way back home I was stopped at a red light when some of the ladies from this group of friends pulled up next to me and signaled for me to roll down my window. So I did.
"Hey! You're hot!" they called.
I was flabbergasted.
The light turned green, we all laughed and I turned left while they went straight.
As I was pulling into my drive I was thinking about just how the night had ended up. I hadn't thought of my request after I saw that my friends were back. And then God pulled that right out of His hat.
I ask for one cute girl to smile at me, and He has three.
I feel so silly for relating this story, for asking for such a childish thing. Not impure, but not very adult. Yet He still delivered, and in the best of all possible ways;with people who, while attractive, are no temptation to me to become distracted from Him. God is good.
That's all I have to say. God is good.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
"The Wind Blows Wherever it Pleases"
The wind blows once more
and just as before
it scatters the leaves of my fate.
But this wind is breezey,
this wind, fair and easy,
this wind ends the winter of late.
Friday, March 03, 2006
waiting for the dawn
What a fool I am to let the ideas of the past take over the thoughts of my innermost heart! Why do I sit and wonder at the might have beens? They are naught. They are without shape, without form, without substance. They are nothing in the real world that we live our lives of pain and love in.
I suffer because I feel so alone. I dont feel like I have love in my life. And so I think that I am not worth what I wish for, simply because I have not gotten it. I lose hope in myself, and why? Simply because I am told by this fool of a culture that I am only worth what I have, not who I am. Supposedly what you are will give you a thing. But that takes time in reality. And reality is not what the culture values, so instead it tells us that the now is all that matters. Buy now, sell now, achieve now, run now, eat now, relax now, do all that is pleasurable in the instant now. It never tells us to wait now. Though its last trick is the meanest: it tells us to die in shame now. And it never warns you. You only find that one out before it happens if you keep your eyes open. But like Rome of old, it kills us all.
Morbid? Hell. Yes.
I suffer because I feel so alone. I dont feel like I have love in my life. And so I think that I am not worth what I wish for, simply because I have not gotten it. I lose hope in myself, and why? Simply because I am told by this fool of a culture that I am only worth what I have, not who I am. Supposedly what you are will give you a thing. But that takes time in reality. And reality is not what the culture values, so instead it tells us that the now is all that matters. Buy now, sell now, achieve now, run now, eat now, relax now, do all that is pleasurable in the instant now. It never tells us to wait now. Though its last trick is the meanest: it tells us to die in shame now. And it never warns you. You only find that one out before it happens if you keep your eyes open. But like Rome of old, it kills us all.
Morbid? Hell. Yes.
For most.
So it tells me that what I want I should have now. I should have that loving relationship now. I should have that lovely wife now. I should have that satisfaction of sex and children now, if ever.
Its wrong.
But it's clever in its deceit.
So it tells me that what I want I should have now. I should have that loving relationship now. I should have that lovely wife now. I should have that satisfaction of sex and children now, if ever.
Its wrong.
But it's clever in its deceit.
Let it damn itself. I wait for God.
Friday, February 24, 2006
A Beautiful Morning Part II
The beginning of the church service had been full of stress for Nate, who was continually glancing at Anne to see if she approved or disapproved of the liturgical church he attended. It had taken him almost the whole of the service to calm down enough to actually focus on the meaning of the words being said as the priest blessed the bread and wine. But by the time his pew was called up to the alter to partake of the communion he had brought his full attention back to the reality of what Christ had done for him, and just how grateful he truly was for it.
He took time as the final anthem was sung to reflect on what he had just experienced; on how it was the act of communion every week that served to center his spiritual life. When he walked into the church he was strung out, stressed and worrying about the world that surrounded him. But by the time he walked out of that small church a short time later he was once more a relaxed but determined man. It was such a peaceful thing, and the knowledge that he would have communion at the end of the week was often what got him through it. Christ=s love was always there, all he had to do was reach for it and he would be relieved. He would be alright, because a far greater power was in control no matter what...
He wondered what Anne thought about it...
Now as the acolytes put out the candles on the alter he recalled just where he was: standing in pew behind his parents, sister and brother-in-law with a stunningly beautiful young lady that they had only just met during the sharing of the peace.
As he turned to Anne to warn her of the oncoming family introductions Nate's father winked at him with a malicious and yet playful smile in his eyes as his mother began to "Properly introduce myself, I'm Nathan's mother. I don't think Nathan has ever introduced us..."
"I don't think I've ever had the opportunity before this... Mom, Dad, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Miss Anne Lewis. We're in the same discussion group at school. "
"Oh, you're Anne! Yes, I've heard Nathan mention you several times..."
Nate looked imploringly at his sister Jean. Her husband Josh responded to his fallen countenance by saying "Well, I thought it was a good save Nate. But you really did almost loose the introduction."
"Is it so bad to sit and think about the service for a few moments afterward?"
"No, but it's not very polite to not introduce your friends to your family. Especially when your family wants to meet your "friend" as much as we do..." Jean retorted.
"Hey!"
Nate was on the verge of reprimanding his sister further for being so forward in Anne's hearing when his nephew Samuel interrupted with demands to have his uncle play with him.
He took time as the final anthem was sung to reflect on what he had just experienced; on how it was the act of communion every week that served to center his spiritual life. When he walked into the church he was strung out, stressed and worrying about the world that surrounded him. But by the time he walked out of that small church a short time later he was once more a relaxed but determined man. It was such a peaceful thing, and the knowledge that he would have communion at the end of the week was often what got him through it. Christ=s love was always there, all he had to do was reach for it and he would be relieved. He would be alright, because a far greater power was in control no matter what...
He wondered what Anne thought about it...
Now as the acolytes put out the candles on the alter he recalled just where he was: standing in pew behind his parents, sister and brother-in-law with a stunningly beautiful young lady that they had only just met during the sharing of the peace.
As he turned to Anne to warn her of the oncoming family introductions Nate's father winked at him with a malicious and yet playful smile in his eyes as his mother began to "Properly introduce myself, I'm Nathan's mother. I don't think Nathan has ever introduced us..."
"I don't think I've ever had the opportunity before this... Mom, Dad, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Miss Anne Lewis. We're in the same discussion group at school. "
"Oh, you're Anne! Yes, I've heard Nathan mention you several times..."
Nate looked imploringly at his sister Jean. Her husband Josh responded to his fallen countenance by saying "Well, I thought it was a good save Nate. But you really did almost loose the introduction."
"Is it so bad to sit and think about the service for a few moments afterward?"
"No, but it's not very polite to not introduce your friends to your family. Especially when your family wants to meet your "friend" as much as we do..." Jean retorted.
"Hey!"
Nate was on the verge of reprimanding his sister further for being so forward in Anne's hearing when his nephew Samuel interrupted with demands to have his uncle play with him.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Beautiful Morning... Part I
As he sat in the car before leaving to pick her up from her dorm he felt rather flustered.
"It's just church!" he told his reflection. "Not a date, not a romance, nothing to be worried about. We're just friends and that's all there is to it. This morning is just about God and His bride. What's to be nervous about there?"
But he still took a few moments more to fix his hair and practice his good-morning smile just once more. Finally, he said goodbye to the young man in the rear-view mirror and started the engine, pulling out into the Sunday morning traffic and heading north.
A few minutes down the road he divided his attention between the stick-shift and his phone, dialing her dorm room number.
"Hello?" her alto came across the line with startling promptness.
Well practiced confidence nearly failed him and cost him his voice, but he came through soon enough with a cheery "Good morning! I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way..." A few pleasantness, a mile more and he had both hands on the wheel again, trying very hard to pay attention to the road.
Soon the dorms of the local Christian college came into view. He pulled up just as she came walking out the wide double doors. "Alright Nathan Hope, no staring now..." he whispered as he opened his door and stood.
While the breath caught in his chest, somehow he did manage to keep his jaw from dropping as his secret heart exulted in the marvelous work of his Creator. Growing up with an older sister whom he actually got along with still didn't protect him from Anne's beauty. If anything, it only made the feeling of awe more complete.
He knew how careful his sister had been with how she dressed. "I'm maximizing the beauty while minimizing the temptation," she'd once told him while preparing for a date with her future husband.
Anne was obviously a woman of the same mind. A country girl to the core, the blue jeans and handsome button-up shirt with small flowers on it perfecly accented her ivory skin and blue eyes, her auburn hair falling in still damp ringlets just past her shoulders.
"My you look pretty this fine morning Miss Lewis!" he ventured as he walked around the car toward her.
"Why thank you Mr. Hope," she replied as she smile and walked toward him. "You're looking rather handsome yourself."
"Good of you to say so Anne," he said as he turned to open the door for her. When he turned back around the smile in her eyes betrayed the determined set of her mouth.
"Do you think I can't open my own door Mr. Hope?" she asked with mock distrust.
"I'm certain you could my dear Miss Lewis," he replied as he took her hand to help her into the front seat. "But if you did it yourself you would steal from me the joy of helping you!" he returned with a flourishing bow.
At this she laughed delightedly and he gently shut the door, smiling to himself as he walked back to his side of the car.
"What a fine start to a beautiful day! Thank you Lord!" he thought as he sat down next to Anne. "Just please don't let me mess it up!"
The drive to church was pleasant, but fairly uneventful. The two of them talked of the places they passed and the people they knew, sharing a few jokes and just enjoying the morning.
Nate was more than a little surprised when he realized just how little he minded being stopped by the red lights, now that Anne was beside him...
"It's just church!" he told his reflection. "Not a date, not a romance, nothing to be worried about. We're just friends and that's all there is to it. This morning is just about God and His bride. What's to be nervous about there?"
But he still took a few moments more to fix his hair and practice his good-morning smile just once more. Finally, he said goodbye to the young man in the rear-view mirror and started the engine, pulling out into the Sunday morning traffic and heading north.
A few minutes down the road he divided his attention between the stick-shift and his phone, dialing her dorm room number.
"Hello?" her alto came across the line with startling promptness.
Well practiced confidence nearly failed him and cost him his voice, but he came through soon enough with a cheery "Good morning! I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way..." A few pleasantness, a mile more and he had both hands on the wheel again, trying very hard to pay attention to the road.
Soon the dorms of the local Christian college came into view. He pulled up just as she came walking out the wide double doors. "Alright Nathan Hope, no staring now..." he whispered as he opened his door and stood.
While the breath caught in his chest, somehow he did manage to keep his jaw from dropping as his secret heart exulted in the marvelous work of his Creator. Growing up with an older sister whom he actually got along with still didn't protect him from Anne's beauty. If anything, it only made the feeling of awe more complete.
He knew how careful his sister had been with how she dressed. "I'm maximizing the beauty while minimizing the temptation," she'd once told him while preparing for a date with her future husband.
Anne was obviously a woman of the same mind. A country girl to the core, the blue jeans and handsome button-up shirt with small flowers on it perfecly accented her ivory skin and blue eyes, her auburn hair falling in still damp ringlets just past her shoulders.
"My you look pretty this fine morning Miss Lewis!" he ventured as he walked around the car toward her.
"Why thank you Mr. Hope," she replied as she smile and walked toward him. "You're looking rather handsome yourself."
"Good of you to say so Anne," he said as he turned to open the door for her. When he turned back around the smile in her eyes betrayed the determined set of her mouth.
"Do you think I can't open my own door Mr. Hope?" she asked with mock distrust.
"I'm certain you could my dear Miss Lewis," he replied as he took her hand to help her into the front seat. "But if you did it yourself you would steal from me the joy of helping you!" he returned with a flourishing bow.
At this she laughed delightedly and he gently shut the door, smiling to himself as he walked back to his side of the car.
"What a fine start to a beautiful day! Thank you Lord!" he thought as he sat down next to Anne. "Just please don't let me mess it up!"
The drive to church was pleasant, but fairly uneventful. The two of them talked of the places they passed and the people they knew, sharing a few jokes and just enjoying the morning.
Nate was more than a little surprised when he realized just how little he minded being stopped by the red lights, now that Anne was beside him...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Procrastination and tired eyes make for...
a grumpy day.
Which is what I am trying to avoid! I want to be content, not grumpy! But the semester has just started, and already I feel like I've been reading for far too long! These books I have to read are great books. Very thought provoking and all that, and I'm certain that reading them is doing wonderful things for my soul. But Golly Gee Wiz! Why do I have to read them so fast?! Why so many so quickly so deeply so soon?
This feeling of frustration is why I'm here typing at this very moment. I have a book to read, but my eyes are tired, and from the lightness of my head I don't think my brain is at home right now, but leave a message and your name and number and it might get back to you later. Or not.
I know that I'm a student. And studying is my job, and I'll get wondrous things out of it and earn lots of respect and get a good job and a loving and respectable woman and good children and build character besides! But I just wanted to take a deep breath and say that in this moment, right now, I'm tired. And I think that's ok. Just so long as I don't stop simply because I'm tired. And I won't, because this is worth being tired about. I've been working hard. But I am tired.
Now back to our story...
Which is what I am trying to avoid! I want to be content, not grumpy! But the semester has just started, and already I feel like I've been reading for far too long! These books I have to read are great books. Very thought provoking and all that, and I'm certain that reading them is doing wonderful things for my soul. But Golly Gee Wiz! Why do I have to read them so fast?! Why so many so quickly so deeply so soon?
This feeling of frustration is why I'm here typing at this very moment. I have a book to read, but my eyes are tired, and from the lightness of my head I don't think my brain is at home right now, but leave a message and your name and number and it might get back to you later. Or not.
I know that I'm a student. And studying is my job, and I'll get wondrous things out of it and earn lots of respect and get a good job and a loving and respectable woman and good children and build character besides! But I just wanted to take a deep breath and say that in this moment, right now, I'm tired. And I think that's ok. Just so long as I don't stop simply because I'm tired. And I won't, because this is worth being tired about. I've been working hard. But I am tired.
Now back to our story...
Monday, January 30, 2006
Single white... male...um...
Alright, so this isn't so much about the "white" part, more the "single."
I like being single. It's good for me, helps me grow in the Lord, and pay attention to the things that are actually important right now, like prayer and school and work. But being a guy, it's hard for me not to notice these wonderful ladies that God has put around me. So, in the tradition of journaling about the things God has put around you, I shall relay to y'all what has been going on in my head.
Girls are pretty. They're even prettier if you're looking in their eyes, and not at their bodies. I know that they look great all around, but if you look at who they are instead of what they are you can enjoy them and their beauty without feeling guilty, without being guilty or even risking it. And I like to think that the eyes are more closely linked with the soul. Call me hopeless, call me a romantic, but your eyes are what give away your intentions and deeper emotions, and those are without a doubt linked to your soul. So there.
So I've been looking at eyes, and talking to good godly women. I'm not falling in love, unless it's with the God who created such wonderful people. These ladies have their faults too. But at the moment I'm entranced with the marvelous gifts that God has given them. Amy's sense of humor and compassion, her love for dance and gracefulness. Morielle's sharp wit, and dutiful dedication to finding joy in the darndest places. Kayla's childlike faith, and wonderful kindness. These things entrance me.
My mother has suggested to me that I should make a list of the things that I find attractive in women (besides the obvious.) So for the last month or so that thought has be being brought to a slow boil in my head. This last week it's been brought to the front of my concsiousness, a full fleged meal. I like things that make a woman sweet, kind and loving. Well, that wasn't hard... (Yes Mom, I did listen to you... No Mom, I'm not gonna stop with those three... I'll keep my eyes and heart open...)
But one of the most important physical things that has made those others qualities so easy to find is the simple fact that these ladies have figured out how to dress themselves properly. I can spend time with them without fear of my eyes being drawn against my will to some part of their body below their neck. They dress well, they're fashonable and tastefully clad and all that. But they dress to draw attention to their faces, to their eyes, not their blouses and butts. It's like the difference between a mini skirt and an evening gown: one draws the attention to the body, the other draws the attention to the beauty. I find the latter far outmatches the former.
Anyway, that said, I hope you all thank God for the beauty He had gifted you with, both in yourself, and in the people and things He has placed around you. To God be the glory, now and forever. Amen
I like being single. It's good for me, helps me grow in the Lord, and pay attention to the things that are actually important right now, like prayer and school and work. But being a guy, it's hard for me not to notice these wonderful ladies that God has put around me. So, in the tradition of journaling about the things God has put around you, I shall relay to y'all what has been going on in my head.
Girls are pretty. They're even prettier if you're looking in their eyes, and not at their bodies. I know that they look great all around, but if you look at who they are instead of what they are you can enjoy them and their beauty without feeling guilty, without being guilty or even risking it. And I like to think that the eyes are more closely linked with the soul. Call me hopeless, call me a romantic, but your eyes are what give away your intentions and deeper emotions, and those are without a doubt linked to your soul. So there.
So I've been looking at eyes, and talking to good godly women. I'm not falling in love, unless it's with the God who created such wonderful people. These ladies have their faults too. But at the moment I'm entranced with the marvelous gifts that God has given them. Amy's sense of humor and compassion, her love for dance and gracefulness. Morielle's sharp wit, and dutiful dedication to finding joy in the darndest places. Kayla's childlike faith, and wonderful kindness. These things entrance me.
My mother has suggested to me that I should make a list of the things that I find attractive in women (besides the obvious.) So for the last month or so that thought has be being brought to a slow boil in my head. This last week it's been brought to the front of my concsiousness, a full fleged meal. I like things that make a woman sweet, kind and loving. Well, that wasn't hard... (Yes Mom, I did listen to you... No Mom, I'm not gonna stop with those three... I'll keep my eyes and heart open...)
But one of the most important physical things that has made those others qualities so easy to find is the simple fact that these ladies have figured out how to dress themselves properly. I can spend time with them without fear of my eyes being drawn against my will to some part of their body below their neck. They dress well, they're fashonable and tastefully clad and all that. But they dress to draw attention to their faces, to their eyes, not their blouses and butts. It's like the difference between a mini skirt and an evening gown: one draws the attention to the body, the other draws the attention to the beauty. I find the latter far outmatches the former.
Anyway, that said, I hope you all thank God for the beauty He had gifted you with, both in yourself, and in the people and things He has placed around you. To God be the glory, now and forever. Amen
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Well, it's official: I'm going on a roadtrip.
I really like driving. And roadtrips rock. My Torrey group wants all of us who live in California to get together before school starts up again. The mid-point of where most of us live being San Luis Obispo, that's where we're going. Lucky for us, several of our members live there, so we'll be staying at their houses. Very generous of them I think.
But a road trip! I'm very excited.
I was going to try and make a detoure to visit some family/friends up in Tulare county, but then I realized that if I tried that I'd be doing about twelve hours of driving, at least four of them in the dark in areas I do not know. So... I'm gonna raincheck on that and see if I can't make a day trip up there next week. Maybe snag my sister to go along with me...
But a road trip! How wonderful! A time to just get out on the road and drive! Clear my head and just go... and lately my head has been very not-clear. Like that song says: "breaking up is hard to do" even when it's the right thing. It's just hard getting back into my head that I'm only responsible for me. All I have to worry about is keeping myself in order. I am one person connected with God, my family, and my friends and that's it. I am single. Not looking, just single. I know it's cliche, but that feels really strange to say. But a road trip can only help. Me and the road. My only concerns: me and the road. Simple, straightforward, no complications.
Just me, the road, and God.
And since the road tends not to talk to much, I think God and I will be taking care of the conversation.
That'll be good.
-Josh
I really like driving. And roadtrips rock. My Torrey group wants all of us who live in California to get together before school starts up again. The mid-point of where most of us live being San Luis Obispo, that's where we're going. Lucky for us, several of our members live there, so we'll be staying at their houses. Very generous of them I think.
But a road trip! I'm very excited.
I was going to try and make a detoure to visit some family/friends up in Tulare county, but then I realized that if I tried that I'd be doing about twelve hours of driving, at least four of them in the dark in areas I do not know. So... I'm gonna raincheck on that and see if I can't make a day trip up there next week. Maybe snag my sister to go along with me...
But a road trip! How wonderful! A time to just get out on the road and drive! Clear my head and just go... and lately my head has been very not-clear. Like that song says: "breaking up is hard to do" even when it's the right thing. It's just hard getting back into my head that I'm only responsible for me. All I have to worry about is keeping myself in order. I am one person connected with God, my family, and my friends and that's it. I am single. Not looking, just single. I know it's cliche, but that feels really strange to say. But a road trip can only help. Me and the road. My only concerns: me and the road. Simple, straightforward, no complications.
Just me, the road, and God.
And since the road tends not to talk to much, I think God and I will be taking care of the conversation.
That'll be good.
-Josh
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
the weather 'round here...
We don't get much weather around here. Southern California doesn't have much but sunshine in the summer and a slightly less shiny version for winter. But the other day we had some wind. Blew several trees over, a power line or two as well.
And my girlfriend and I have broken up. I was the one to end it, she was the one to take it hard. I've decided that breaking up is, as the song says, "hard to do." But what is even worse is watching the after effects of it. Watching as the words you so kindly crafted to be the softest and kindest of letdowns break her reserve and flood her face with tears and your ears with the sounds of sobs.... just hurts. It's not hard, it's tramatic.
We broke up five days ago. And only now am I calm enough and together enough inside to write about this. It really hurt. And not just her.
I hated this breakup. I hated telling her no the next day when she brought me a plan to "fix" things. And I've hated hearing our mutual friends say that she is telling them that I didn't tell her why we broke up. I have told her. Several times. Several different ways. Our relationship had gotten too mature too fast. I'm not ready for the relationship we were in. I know that sounds like whimping out, but that's just true. Maybe it is whimping out from some perspectives, but if I'm not ready for it than it's my responsibility to let her know. So I did. I can't like her anymore. It would be wrong for us to go on, destructive to our growth as individuals. Not healthy. We were done.
And that hurt. It hurt when she didn't know it, it hurts now that she does. Strange, shouldn't it feel better at some point? Ah well...
But it does feel good to know that I've told the truth.
And I'm free to keep doing so...
The weather around here has been interesting lately... lots of wind, but a fair bit of rain too.
I dream of Spring.
-Josh
And my girlfriend and I have broken up. I was the one to end it, she was the one to take it hard. I've decided that breaking up is, as the song says, "hard to do." But what is even worse is watching the after effects of it. Watching as the words you so kindly crafted to be the softest and kindest of letdowns break her reserve and flood her face with tears and your ears with the sounds of sobs.... just hurts. It's not hard, it's tramatic.
We broke up five days ago. And only now am I calm enough and together enough inside to write about this. It really hurt. And not just her.
I hated this breakup. I hated telling her no the next day when she brought me a plan to "fix" things. And I've hated hearing our mutual friends say that she is telling them that I didn't tell her why we broke up. I have told her. Several times. Several different ways. Our relationship had gotten too mature too fast. I'm not ready for the relationship we were in. I know that sounds like whimping out, but that's just true. Maybe it is whimping out from some perspectives, but if I'm not ready for it than it's my responsibility to let her know. So I did. I can't like her anymore. It would be wrong for us to go on, destructive to our growth as individuals. Not healthy. We were done.
And that hurt. It hurt when she didn't know it, it hurts now that she does. Strange, shouldn't it feel better at some point? Ah well...
But it does feel good to know that I've told the truth.
And I'm free to keep doing so...
The weather around here has been interesting lately... lots of wind, but a fair bit of rain too.
I dream of Spring.
-Josh
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