Single white... male...um...

Alright, so this isn't so much about the "white" part, more the "single."

I like being single. It's good for me, helps me grow in the Lord, and pay attention to the things that are actually important right now, like prayer and school and work. But being a guy, it's hard for me not to notice these wonderful ladies that God has put around me. So, in the tradition of journaling about the things God has put around you, I shall relay to y'all what has been going on in my head.

Girls are pretty. They're even prettier if you're looking in their eyes, and not at their bodies. I know that they look great all around, but if you look at who they are instead of what they are you can enjoy them and their beauty without feeling guilty, without being guilty or even risking it. And I like to think that the eyes are more closely linked with the soul. Call me hopeless, call me a romantic, but your eyes are what give away your intentions and deeper emotions, and those are without a doubt linked to your soul. So there.

So I've been looking at eyes, and talking to good godly women. I'm not falling in love, unless it's with the God who created such wonderful people. These ladies have their faults too. But at the moment I'm entranced with the marvelous gifts that God has given them. Amy's sense of humor and compassion, her love for dance and gracefulness. Morielle's sharp wit, and dutiful dedication to finding joy in the darndest places. Kayla's childlike faith, and wonderful kindness. These things entrance me.

My mother has suggested to me that I should make a list of the things that I find attractive in women (besides the obvious.) So for the last month or so that thought has be being brought to a slow boil in my head. This last week it's been brought to the front of my concsiousness, a full fleged meal. I like things that make a woman sweet, kind and loving. Well, that wasn't hard... (Yes Mom, I did listen to you... No Mom, I'm not gonna stop with those three... I'll keep my eyes and heart open...)

But one of the most important physical things that has made those others qualities so easy to find is the simple fact that these ladies have figured out how to dress themselves properly. I can spend time with them without fear of my eyes being drawn against my will to some part of their body below their neck. They dress well, they're fashonable and tastefully clad and all that. But they dress to draw attention to their faces, to their eyes, not their blouses and butts. It's like the difference between a mini skirt and an evening gown: one draws the attention to the body, the other draws the attention to the beauty. I find the latter far outmatches the former.

Anyway, that said, I hope you all thank God for the beauty He had gifted you with, both in yourself, and in the people and things He has placed around you. To God be the glory, now and forever. Amen

Well, it's official: I'm going on a roadtrip.

I really like driving. And roadtrips rock. My Torrey group wants all of us who live in California to get together before school starts up again. The mid-point of where most of us live being San Luis Obispo, that's where we're going. Lucky for us, several of our members live there, so we'll be staying at their houses. Very generous of them I think.

But a road trip! I'm very excited.

I was going to try and make a detoure to visit some family/friends up in Tulare county, but then I realized that if I tried that I'd be doing about twelve hours of driving, at least four of them in the dark in areas I do not know. So... I'm gonna raincheck on that and see if I can't make a day trip up there next week. Maybe snag my sister to go along with me...

But a road trip! How wonderful! A time to just get out on the road and drive! Clear my head and just go... and lately my head has been very not-clear. Like that song says: "breaking up is hard to do" even when it's the right thing. It's just hard getting back into my head that I'm only responsible for me. All I have to worry about is keeping myself in order. I am one person connected with God, my family, and my friends and that's it. I am single. Not looking, just single. I know it's cliche, but that feels really strange to say. But a road trip can only help. Me and the road. My only concerns: me and the road. Simple, straightforward, no complications.

Just me, the road, and God.

And since the road tends not to talk to much, I think God and I will be taking care of the conversation.

That'll be good.

-Josh

the weather 'round here...

We don't get much weather around here. Southern California doesn't have much but sunshine in the summer and a slightly less shiny version for winter. But the other day we had some wind. Blew several trees over, a power line or two as well.

And my girlfriend and I have broken up. I was the one to end it, she was the one to take it hard. I've decided that breaking up is, as the song says, "hard to do." But what is even worse is watching the after effects of it. Watching as the words you so kindly crafted to be the softest and kindest of letdowns break her reserve and flood her face with tears and your ears with the sounds of sobs.... just hurts. It's not hard, it's tramatic.

We broke up five days ago. And only now am I calm enough and together enough inside to write about this. It really hurt. And not just her.

I hated this breakup. I hated telling her no the next day when she brought me a plan to "fix" things. And I've hated hearing our mutual friends say that she is telling them that I didn't tell her why we broke up. I have told her. Several times. Several different ways. Our relationship had gotten too mature too fast. I'm not ready for the relationship we were in. I know that sounds like whimping out, but that's just true. Maybe it is whimping out from some perspectives, but if I'm not ready for it than it's my responsibility to let her know. So I did. I can't like her anymore. It would be wrong for us to go on, destructive to our growth as individuals. Not healthy. We were done.

And that hurt. It hurt when she didn't know it, it hurts now that she does. Strange, shouldn't it feel better at some point? Ah well...

But it does feel good to know that I've told the truth.

And I'm free to keep doing so...

The weather around here has been interesting lately... lots of wind, but a fair bit of rain too.

I dream of Spring.

-Josh