I am a nerd.
At the college that I go to, I am in the honors program. And no, they didn't make a mistake in letting me in. I belong there. I may not be as smart, or as studious or ingenuous as everyone else there, but I don't need to be in order to belong.
Within this nerdy bunch, I am in the Tolkien reading group. And I love it.
Yesterday, the freshman class of the honors program had a group building day. Tolkien is a solid group. We really don't have many problems with each other. Most of us were skeptical that we would get anything out of this day, but we came anyway because we like each other so much, and if you give us a time to hang out with each other we'll take it no matter what.
Most of the day was pointless. There were games, and they were fun. There was criticism, that wasn't. But then we were put in a room together and left alone after being told we could leave any time we wanted to. We stayed in that room for the better part of six hours.
I was confronted with many things in this time. All that we did in that room was constructive. No one got angry, in fact we spent most of the time telling each other what we really admired about each other, and lifting each other up in prayer and celebrating the unique group we have. But within this setting something inside of me came loose.
I imagine it's was a lot like having one of those places you can't scratch scratched by someone. It hurts, but it's good.
I finally reached a point where I was being real with God, and myself, at the same time. Pure truth. No pretense. Praise and mourning, crying and laughing, feeling and thinking at the same time. God unblocked something in my soul tonight. I sobbed. It took me a few bloody knuckles on a tree to get that started, but afterwards it was smooth sailing. I think that I've come to the realization that crying is a good thing. I used to despise it in myself, and refused to cry if I could ever help it, which I could. But if there's ever a time when crying is alright then it's in front of your Creator, Lord, Master and Redeemer. He did, before it all, do the same for me...
And if you're wondering about the title of this blog, it's named after an experience that my Grandfather had. My Grandmother has been visiting this week, and so my mind has been drifting to the stories and memories of my grandfather. Suddenly his conversion story has a lot more impact upon me. Bleeding so hard that his hands were cleaned...
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6 comments:
Friend, you are real. Thanks for being a testimony. I will see you on the field.
You know, you really had me worried for a bit yesterday. I'm glad that you were able to sort some of it out. I think crying is one of the purest, most satisfying self-expressions--crying and laughing both. Thanks for being so honest and sharing this, Josh. You are such a vital part of our group, and I really feel truly blessed to know you. And be poked by you. :o)
Josh, the only appropriate thing I feel I ought to say is: I love you.
Josh, you are one of the most genuine people I have been blessed to call a friend. And I can find no better response than tears to the love of Christ . . .
Josh, thanks for sharing. I consider it an honor and a statement of trust that you are willing to blog about your feelings. and I agree with anna, crying is just as important as laughing.
Thanks for you honesty.. And I so agree about the crying part. I think so many people today have forgotten how to feel. And that may be because they don't want to, or it is painful. But we are humans. And emotions are good (after all, I wrote my paper against Aurelius ;-))
Thanks for being yourself, Josh. I so love knowing you.
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