Beauty? Pain? Growth? All of the above I believe...

This is, in fact, a summary of my most prominent thoughts and feelings at the moment. So be warned, there's a bit of emotional spillage on the verbos road ahead.

My heart hurts. In many different ways. Here's why:
People that I can for very deeply are away and traveling in far off lands that I have only ever (though very often) dreamed of visiting. Amongst whom is one person who is very dear to my heart. Ah, Lord only knows what is really happening anywhere in anything, so all I can do is trust Him. Takes some effort at times though.

In addition to this, I have been visiting my old teachers at what was once my highschool and helping them and talking with them. What I've found is this: that the best people in public education are often ignored, or used without being consulted. The Lewis's Proffessor in is right in exclaming "What are they teaching them in school these days?" The students don't seem to be learning a blooming thing! And most of the teachers have more of a fear of the standardized tests than they hold for the well being of their students! It's a perposterous situation! Tomorrow I'm returning to class to have a "Socratic" discussion with an eleventh grade lit. class. I have enormous fears.

Also, there's work. I may be too smart for the common market. I'm seeing holes in this well oiled machine that I'm playing the cog for, and I'm afraid that "the man" is about to get his ear talked off. Pray for him. And me.

Add to that that I'm reading Vanauken. And understanding more of it then I thought possible. Seeing ideas of my heart written in someone else's hand, and then lived out! It's an amazing experience. School is out, but I refuse to stop learning.

Also, I'm beginning to see new meaning in the whole "when two or more are gathered in my name..." bit. I used to think it just meant some additional blessing on the prayers of a congregation. Now I'm seeing it more in the light of everyday life. At work, surrounded by non-Christians I'm smart, quick and fairly well educated. But when I'm with fellow Christians there's more. We come up with some of the most wonderful ideas. Thoughts that I'd never come up with on my own or with pagans just bloom about us. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I love seeing God in other people's lives as well. Grand. Just grand.

Finally, I love my family. I love my sisters and brothers. My niece and my nephew. And my parents. Mom and Dad are such good parents. I'm working my rear off, just like they taught me to, and they care and help me in ways I just never would have thought of. They let me be with my friends to relax, and yet there is allways a place for me at the dinner table. When I need an adult to listen to me, or talk to me or with me they are there. So helpful, so loving, so kind and caring. They see what I need before I know there's a need, then tell me about it and suggest methods on how to fix it. They support me, but let me do what I need to on my own. Godly people, promoting growth and trimming the deadwood all in one motion. I love my family.

Good night all.

-Joshua